Treading water.

To maintain.

 Keep doing what you’re doing to keep your head above water, to survive, to keep going. I can apply this to many aspects of my life.   When does it stop?  When will I stop treading and actually swim.  Obviously this is a metaphor, but seriously.   I’m 31 years old, I rent a house, I don’t have ANY money in savings, I am in a job that I am not going anywhere in — which has been made pretty clear over the last few weeks.  Makes me wonder why the hell I even try. Why do I learn as much as I can, why do I help whenever someone asks? Why do I continue to try to grow and be used without reaping any rewards.   Call me selfish I guess.  Should I be doing all of this just ‘because’ I’m supposed to?

Soul searching.

Something I think everyone does at one point or another.  Am I on the right track for the life I want?  Where do I see myself in 1o years, 20 years, 30 years?  I want to be healthy and happy and successful.   And right here, right now, I don’t really feel any of those.  I know I have a good life, and I have a good job, and I have healthy children (for which I am extremely grateful) don’t get me wrong.

Sometimes, I dream.   As of late, my dream has been to move into a small cabin in the woods.  Out of town, but not too far, and not too wood-y,  but somewhere were I’d have to have a landline phone because my cell wouldn’t work, and we might not be able to have internet.  A 180 degree flip from where I am now. I could be a stay at home mom.  I could volunteer at my children’s classrooms,  bake delicious meals all day, cook, clean, organize, scrap book.  Would that make me happy?   But then the big ole 4 letter F word sets in…. FEAR.   How would I get health insurance for all of us?   Would I, would WE, really be happy?

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