Scream and be free

I just want to stuff my head in my pillow and scream until every ounce of air has left my lungs.

Betrayed, lied to, hurt. A vicious circle that I allow to keep happening.  Why?

The rage and angry is burning me, tearing me apart.

Why am I not enough ?   You play these fucking head games with me and I just continue to let you.    I’m the fool,  that’s pretty fucking clear….and I only have myself to blame.

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Know your worth

So, today, as I was performing my daily karaoke gig, AKA my lunch break, I was blaring a new song I heard called “Broken” by Lovely the Band (check it out) and in the midst of me singling my little heart out, it hit me.  Why for all these years have I been so mean and hard on myself?  Why have I allowed myself to be broken?

I read something recently that said, “Don’t tell yourself anything you wouldn’t tell your best friend.”  POWERFUL Y’ALL!  I would NEVER tell my best friend that she worthless, or ugly, or fat, or a bad mom… EVER. Those words would never come out of my mouth, so why the hell do I allow myself to believe or listen to those words? If anything, I’m everyone’s cheerleader.  Telling them to keep going, telling them good job, asking if I can help them to achieve their goals,  or just a simple message saying, “Hey, you’re beautiful, just wanted you to know that”  or “Hey keep up the good work, you’re doing great”

In recent days, pondering my life choices, a friend of mine told me I need to know my value/worth.  I asked, how?  How am I supposed to know that.  Then, he asked, if someone was going to buy you, how much would you cost?  Of course, I had some smart ass answer because that’s what I do when I get uncomfortable.  Then, he said something that really sparked my soul ( yes, as corny as that sounds–it really did) he said, “Because YOU are worth more than any amount of money or possession under the heavens. Think about that, now what is your value?”

Now, what IS your value?

Do not settle.

JAVITC

Mid-Life Crisis? Maybe?

I’m 32.  I’m filled with all these doubts all of a sudden.  Is this normal?  Or, am I finally coming into my own?   Finally deciding what I ‘think’ I want in life?  SO many questions, so many unknowns.  I’m a planner, and a do-er, and feeling so up in the air is driving me nuts!

 

Imma be okay!

Whether it’s tomorrow, or a week from now.. I’m going to be ok.   I won’t forget about you, and I hope you don’t forget about me…. no matter what,  I’m going to be ok.  Am I sad?  Sure I’m sad.  Actually, I was devastated truth be told.  Did I cry?  Sure did.  Lots today actually.  But at the end of the day, what can I do?    Finally found that friend..the one I’ve been looking for and like that it’s gone.   I’ll find someone new…but I won’t forget about you… and it won’t be the same.

 

A different view

Have you ever been looking for an answer to something and seem to get no where?  It could be something big or small, important or unimportant.  The point is, you just wanted an answer.

(almost) 5 years ago my life changed.  I welcomed my baby girl into the world.  My world changed in many ways.  My poor son, who was 2 1/2 at the time, got his entire world flipped upside down that year.  He got a new sister (who subsequently stole his spotlight), his mom went from working 18 hrs a week to 40! and things like his crib was gone, no more pacifier…. BIG changes for him.   I look back now, and I realize these were such big changes.  I made so many mistakes. so many things I wish I could do differently.   Because of that, my boy’s had so many behavioral issues.  He is down right mean to his sister.  Hurts her, hits her, says mean things to her etc etc…

Recently, I was talking with a newly acquired friend.   We got on the subject of kids and behavior and he said something to me that no one has ever said to me. Something that made so much sense.   I’ve lived the last 5 years with constant criticism from my family members.. ALWAYS telling me all the things I should do and shouldn’t do and being the first ones to tell me I am doing wrong.   But no one said this to me… no one said “Have you ever taught him how to be a big brother?”     Say what?  Talk about getting punched in the gut.  Now, I know this was in no way shape or form derogatory or said in an ill manner.  He was just honestly asking if I ever taught him to be a big brother.

The answer: No.   I’ll admit, when he said this to me, I cried.  I cried and cried and cried.  Even after the conversation moved on, I was still crying.  No, I never taught my boy how to be a big brother.  I just expected this little tiny boy who was still a baby himself, who had NEVER been around other kids, let alone a new baby sister, to know how to be a big brother.

 

I don’t know if he’ll ever read this.  I hope if he does he understands how those 11 words had such an impact on me. It was so simple and so true.

Forever grateful.

 

~JAVITC ❤

Overwhelmed

Defeat Completely. Inundate. Have a strong emotional effect on.  Rout.

This is my life right now.  It feels like nailing jello to a wall… or like sticking our head out a car window while going 70 miles per hour and trying to get your hair to stay straight.

So many things are getting thrown at me, and testing my limits.  I always seem to get so emotionally involved in things I shouldn’t and then it’s like there isn’t room for the important things.  Yeah, my priorities are screwed up.     I need to slow down, and I need to take one day at a time.  I’m always telling people that..   Whenever someone is going through something hard I always tell them “It’s all gonna be ok” “One day at a time”  “you’re stronger than you think”   it’s so easy for me to tell other people what they should be doing, but I can’t take my own advice.    Maybe that’s the problem.  I am ALWAYS there for other people but how come no one is there for me? Where are all my supporters telling me everything is going to be ok, where is my friend who is really listening to me, really hearing what I am saying… or taking note of things that I am NOT saying.

 

I am the kind of person who generally wears my emotions on my sleeves.  Sometimes I can hide it at work, but I’d like just for ONCE for someone to care enough to ask me what’s going on..and really just listen.

 

That is all. ❤

JAVITC~

Happenstance

Do you ever wonder why you meet the people you meet?  Do you ever wonder if someone was put in your life for a reason?  Were you put in someone’s life for a reason?   Unless you live in a cave somewhere, chances are, you meet someone new every day.   Some times you meet someone and immediately you just know you don’t like them.  Other times, you meet someone and you just ‘click’.        One thing that always draws me to someone is their sense of humor.  If you’re lacking a sense of humor, we can’t be friends.  I am around humor all day.  From the crazy things that come out of my kids’ mouths, to my dry-humored husband, to my crazy ass friends — I laugh every day. And if I find someone who isn’t laughing, I try to make them laugh.

If my life was a car, humor would be the fuel.    It’s what keeps me going.  ❤

~JAVITC

 

 

Happenstance

Do you ever wonder why you meet the people you meet?  Do you ever wonder if someone was put in your life for a reason?  Were you put in someone’s life for a reason?   Unless you live in a cave somewhere, chances are, you meet someone new every day.   Some times you meet someone and immediately you just know you don’t like them.  Other times, you meet someone and you just ‘click’.        One thing that always draws me to someone is their sense of humor.  If you’re lacking a sense of humor, we can’t be friends.  I am around humor all day.  From the crazy things that come out of my kids’ mouths, to my dry-humored husband, to my crazy ass friends — I laugh every day. And if I find someone who isn’t laughing, I try to make them laugh.

If my life was a car, humor would be the fuel.    It’s what keeps me going.  ❤

~JAVITC

 

 

Stop judging other moms!

Yes.  It’s that simple.  Stop judging other moms.

Tonight, I was in the local wal-mart checking out.  The cashier was ringing up my items.  Making small talk … “how are you, did you find everything ok”   ya know, the norm.   I explained that I found more than I expected to (thank you clearance racks).  About mid conversation, there was a young child, probably 3 or 4 in the self check out with what looked to be his grandma.  He was crying and carrying on and obviously something was wrong.  The cashier kept looking over at the boy and then I hear her say “IF THAT WAS MY KID I would spank him.  Yep, I’d definitely spank him.”   Rewind a few seconds before that, when he first started really crying. I looked up and then looked away.   For a split second, I started to judge.  And then I STOPPED.  I stopped because I have been that mom before. I’ve been the “IF THAT WAS MY KID” mom.  Most importantly, I’ve been the mom that has been in the store when my kids weren’t feeling good, when they were SUPER tired and irrational, and when they simply threw a fit because they were acting like little brats and not getting their way.  After the cashier made her comment, I just politely said, ” we probably shouldn’t judge her.”  I stopped there.  I wanted to expand but I didn’t.  I just quietly said, “I feel for her.”   The cashier didn’t really know what to think.

What it comes down to is, we, as mothers, have to STOP judging other moms.  Seriously.  The very last damn thing a mother needs is to be judged.  By anyone.  We are our own worst critics as it is.  Always wondering:  did I do that right, should I have done this, did my kid get too much screen time, did they eat any fruits and veggies today,  should I be at work today when my child is sick, should I even be working or staying home to raise my children, the list goes on and on and on.   It’s hard enough when there isn’t an hour that goes by when you’re away from your children that you think or worry about them, or you have the family members that constantly add in their 2 cents every chance they get.   We need to be supportive.  We need to help each other out.  If you see a mom struggling, give her a word of encouragement.   Even if it’s a simple compliment. A, “Hey mom you’re doing great!” SOMETHING.  We need to encourage one another instead of tear each other apart.

So, tonight, if you’re reading this,  I’m here to tell you:  You’re doing a great job.

~JAVITC